It seems that I ran far ahead without you...
And pulled your heart, reluctant, toward the top.
I could regret the way I made assumptions...
I can't remember if you said to stop.

But forgive the callous way I thought I knew you...
I needed to look closer at your heart.
My zealous rush to hold you even closer
Now finds me stumbling, awkward, as we part.

So sorry is this heart that has adored you...
And plaintive is the cry too, as it mourns.
But still I'd give away the years remaining
If I could watch new joy in you that forms.

It's hard to see through tears of desperate wanting...
I'm sorry that "us then" is now obscured.
And though while looks of love are what I yearn for,
I'll be content to touch you with a word.

Now when you conjure memories of we two...
Be kind and know I'll always care so much.
And know my eyes are full as sunset finds me
Without the comfort of your soft, sweet touch.

So let one moment sit as if unaltered...
Let one glad time we had stay as it seemed.
And if by chance it comes to you while dreaming,
Fall with it, and live again the dream.

I didn't hate it. I didn't love it. I've never missed it, and I'd never go back. Most of it escapes me now. I remember some of my more stupid high school and junior high feats, but a lot of it's a blur. I remember pretending to fall asleep first at a slumber party to see if my friends could be trusted to not talk about me behind my back. I remember getting drunk at a house party and climbing up onto a roof in the rain to hide from the police. I remember bonfires and ski trips with my friends, but not in great detail, save the boy in the group who I had a crush on that week. I remember the haunted house/happy family that I came home to every day, and I remember my best friend's house too... haunted in a different way and never very happy.

When I was young, I was painfully shy. People thought that I was a snob, but I really wasn't; I just didn't know how to fit in. I was never good at conforming, but I hated feeling different, so I just kept my mouth shut a lot. Eventually, I learned that I could be myself and there would always be a group of people (warped though they may be) who would appreciate and/or put up with me... so I ran with that and have been very happy ever since. That came much later, though.

I read, I wrote, I memorized poetry and Shakespeare, I prayed a lot. I sang to squirrels in a cornbin behind the farm buildings, and I worked very hard at being a part of the circle of people I called friends back then. While I was fighting with time, though, and trying to understand quantum physics before I knew that it had a name (please don't be impressed, I still don't get it), they were fighting with their parents and trying to convince the lady at the liquor store that they were 18. I guess I have as many good and as many bad high school memories as the next guy. What sticks out, though, is that for a long time, even with friends around me, I didn't feel like a part of what was going on.

Until....

I found the silly putty that picks up everyone's funny papers mug shot... no matter what turns them on. I don't remember when or how I realized that people bond to music, but it's true. Once you've got a song in your heart, and you're sitting with someone else who's got the same song in her heart... until the music stops, there's only one of you. I wasn't who I am then, but I was who I was... and that knowledge helped me in making the very first steps to pull other people into my world... and it gave me a doorway into theirs. Still does.