The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!"
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you.
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
I don't say that the bird is "good" or the bat is "bad." But I will say this: At least the bird is less nude.
"I'll take that little one, way in the back," I said. "That little collie mix?" said the animal shelter guy. "No," I said, "the one behind him." "The gray terrier?" he said. "He's gray," I said,"but way in the back, in the corner." "You mean the water faucet?" he said. I realized then it was a water faucet, but I didn't want to look like a jerk, so I said,"Yeah, that's the one I want." It ended up costing me almost five hundred dollars to get that faucet removed. But you know, I've still got that faucet, and I wouldn't trade it for any dog in the world.
When you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
As I stood there looking at the beautiful waterfall, I wondered how many other people had stood there, and how many had candy corn "teeth" sticking out between their lips like I did.
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it?
Whenever anybody says he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle to become a parrot or something.
Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the Earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around.
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our "stink" around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
