I recently ran across a list of “Weapons that Don’t Exist but Should”, and it made perfect sense to me. Weapons have ceased to become interesting. They are no longer fun or creative. “Stab-stab, bang-bang, blah-blah….”
Here are some of the highlights…
Acid Balloon:
This concept is simple, as it is based on the water balloon. One simply fills a balloon with acid (Not “AAAAHHHH MY FACE!!!” Acid, but “Let’s listen to Pink Floyd” acid). The recipient, expecting a cool, refreshing blast of water, instead thinks his skin is melting off. This weapon, though unsuitable for murder, is undeniably hilarious to watch.
Chuck-Nuns:
This entirely hypothetical weapon was developed by Cardinal Bubbles of the Inquisition. Bubbles was an avid nun-bunter and had always dreamed of combining his favorite pastime with the marvels of siege weaponry. The chuck-nun was first not used during the Dark Ages. Consequently, it was also not used during the Slightly Less Dark Ages. It was first constructed and fielded during the Renaissance, but after a minor mishap involving faulty ammunition (one nun refused to go) it was decommissioned.
Cloned Armored Raptors:
You get a dozen or so cloned velociraptors, slap on some protective armor and unleash them in the neighborhood of your choice. These vicious little predators will hunt down your enemy for you and eviscerate them with their razor toe claws, or at least rip out their jugulars. The armor is to help even the playing field if your enemy has weapons like a dolphin gun or Armed Monkeys. If they get killed no big deal, you just clone some more.
Crocodile with Crocodiles for Limbs:
The concept is simple, crocodiles take up large amounts of space. Instead of wasting space (and food) on five crocodiles to thwart potential trespassers, or run wild in enemy trenches, why not use a giant crocodile that instead of having arms and legs, has crocodiles. It's 5 times the croc in one easy-to-feed package.
Deadly Assault Kittens:
Most successful graduates of the Japanese Hello Kitty Armed Response Training Corp are inducted into the Assault Kitten Paratroopers. Reknowned worldwide for their stealth, their merciless attacks, and their deployment of balls of wool in the face of ferocious opposition.
Laser Guided Polar Bear:
In terms of destructive power, it's above a laser guided grizzly bear, but below a laser guided panda bear. Not as delicious as a laser guided gummi bear, it's less dangerous to the user than a laser guided pooh bear. In the late 1960's, it replaced the club as the premier weapon in the War On Seals.
Squirrel Exploder:
This simple device sends out a powerful sonic pulse that disrupts squirrels' molecular structure, turning them into fiery furballs of flaming death. Unless you're really annoyed with squirrels, however, this weapon is of little use. That is, of course, unless it is combined with the patented EoH Cannon, EoH standing for 'Essence of Hazelnut'. This will coat a victim from head to toe with a sticky substance that exudes a powerful smell of these nuts over a wide area, attracting all sorts of undue attention from squirrels. The Squirrel Exploder can then be used to explode these rodents and cause grievous bodily harm to the hapless victim. Nothing hurts like having red hot squirrel guts embedded in your skull.
For maximum efficiency, the squirrels can later be reassembled with the Squirrel Desploder. Waste not, want not and all that.
Squirrel Imploder:
The squirrel imploder is highly similar to the squirrel exploder and desploder, just that it is far more dangerous, expensive, and...
All right, maybe it's not that similar. Still, it's effective.
To cause the squirrel implosion to occur, there are three possible methods.
In the first method, one simply grabs a squirrel, and squeezes. Hard. Squeeze the squirrel until it becomes a black hole, and voila! A squirrel implosion! There are, however, two downsides to this method, and they are that you will be the first one to sucked in, and most people don't have superhuman strength. The latter can be overcome by taking excessive steroids, and if a gender change occurs, who cares? After all, you'll be sucked into the black hole first so nobody will notice. Just remember to use steroids, and lots of them, or either you'll get bitten (painfully) or you'll end up holding a lot of gibs. Then you'd have to desplode the squirrel, and where would you be? Holding an intact, very angry squirrel. Ouch.
The second method is to feed the squirrel concentrated Essence of Hazelnut. In its desperation to re-ingest the delicious EoH, the squirrel will implode. Just make sure that you're far away, very far away, from the squirrel and that the squirrel doesn't smell any EoH smeared on your fingertips. The latter being horrendously painful.
The third method, of course, is to use the chocolate-covered black hole on the squirrel. Make sure the squirrel thinks it's a nut, or coat it with EoH. You, however, should not think that it is a nut, or you're in for trouble. Just run away. Fast. In a rocket or something, it doesn't matter, just make sure you're out of the area when it undetonates.
The squirrel desploder cannot reverse the process because there are no gibs to desplode, so you have to use the squirrel unsploder.
Squirrel Unsploder:
The squirrel unsploder is used, obviously, for unsploding squirrels. It is not effective on squirrel gibs, because it only unsplodes the squirrel, not desplodes it. How the two are different, I don't know, and I don't care, but all you need to know is that you should use the squirrel unsploder on the squirrel and then run away. Fast. They don't like to be imploded, and when you unsplode them they'll come back for revenge. Squirrels like nuts, and getting nuts and revenge, two in one, is very tempting...
What nuts? Don't ask. You don't want to find out.
Just remember to run away, because the squirrels want YOUR nuts.
Word of warning: never use a squirrel unsploder to unsplode anything besides asploded squirrells. Richard Nixon tried to do this with a martini and as a result the entire population of Ohio was either sterile or turned into small green glowing heptagons for a year.
Squirrel Desploder:
It's all kinds of a squirrel desploder. YES it is! YES-it-is!
Some people don't like squirrels. Yes, we can't understand it either, but they just don't. Wouldn't it be nice, we thought, if it were possible to reassemble exploded squirrels thus annoying the dastardly fiends who would like to see them remaining in their less wholesome state? Of course it would be nice YOU RAVING FOOL, hence the squirrel desploder. It desplodes squirrels.
The squirrel re-assembly chamber is where the Magic(TM) takes place, though actually it was made through the advanced Sciences(TM) so we're not quite sure what's going on there. Requires a 12V battery to operate; battery not included. Terms and conditions may apply. Contact your local vendor for more details.
Catapult that Catapults Catapults:
A medieval extreme-range missile solution. The first, large catapult hurls another, smaller catapult which somewhere in mid-air releases the load. Ideal for confusing enemy armies (as well as your own), due to the randomness of the trajectory of the boulder. Also fun for large parties (Ok, get ready to take cover...and away!...where to turn, where to turn, WHERE TO TURN?!!).
Incendiary Pants:
These pants, when in contact with natural reproductive fluids, burst into flame causing extreme pain and scarring, Though unlikely to cause immediate death they do prevent continuation of the species.
If your arch-rival is not wearing incendiary pants, it is possible to convert the pants he is wearing into incendiary pants. First, you must convince your opponent to tell a lie of some sort. An easy way to do this is to ask him if he is the best or strongest or smartest person in the universe, as nobody can resist the urge to say that they are. Once they've lied, inform him that he is a "liar liar" and that he has "pants on fire". This will either magically set his pants on fire, or it won't but he'll look to see if they are and while he's distracted you can soak his pants with gasoline. (Note that this does not work if he isn't wearing pants.)
