AND NOW ANOTHER USELESS FACT:

You may remember that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is an incident, of course, that many say has been covered up by the government. However, you may not know that on March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

On that note, today in 1793, at the inauguration for his second term, President George Washington delivered the shortest inaugural address ever - 133 words. ***That probably had something to do with the fact that he couldn't tell a lie.

A woman in Pennsylvania reported finding pills in some Gorton's frozen fish. ***It was probably Ritalin so the fish could pay attention in school.

The New York Post reports that author Susan Shapiro Barash interviewed 500 women for her new book, "Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie." Her conclusion: women are much better liars than men, and they lie about everything from shopping binges to barhopping to facelifts. Barash said, "Women lie... to get what they want." ***For example, to get people to buy your book.

And In Old News:

A woman in Essex, England, got two years' community service after she stabbed her husband in the side with a kitchen knife because he brought her cheap flowers for Valentine's Day. ***Her community service will be to scare other women's husbands into buying good flowers next year.



"Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies."

"And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life."

"I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning."

"Even my boogers are spicy!"



"Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot."

"Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions."

"Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!"


"Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone."

"That's right. I'm a witch! And I'm the one who withered your livestock, soured your sheep's milk, and made your shirts itchy."

"You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn't even notice."



"But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life."

"Human contact: the final frontier."

"Last night's 'Itchy and Scratchy Show' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world."



"Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece."

"I'm no theologian. I don't know who or what God is. All I know is he's more powerful than Mom and Dad put together."

"Barney: Hello, my name is Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scouts meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it you girls can't admit that you have a problem?"




"I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows."

"Try not to move, Dad. You swallowed a lot of motor oil."

"Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun."




"I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman."

"Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?"

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene."

"And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive?"

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"


"No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it."

"I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies."

First things first... it seems that I need someone who fits the coffee flavored ice cream profile. If you know this person, please send them my way.

You Are Chocolate Ice Cream

You have a flair for the dramatic and love to party. Your personality is super strong and unique. Many people crave you constantly - while you turn a few off. You are most compatible with coffee ice cream.

And Second Things Second...

Thieves in Switzerland stole four paintings by artists such as van Gogh and Monet worth $163 million. ***Police say the crooks are armed and pretentious.



Sales are down at Starbucks, and they announced that they are closing 100 stores. ***Meaning you might actually have to cross to the other side of the street for your mocha-latte- venti.



The Japanese company Takko Shoji has a new product for Valentine's day: "Black Garlic Chocolates." They think people should eat more garlic for health reasons, so they developed a candy made of black garlic, which has a prune-like sweet-and-sour taste, coated with chocolate and dusted with cocoa powder. Outside Japan, they're only available over the Internet. A spokesman said to those who worry garlic breath will kill the romance, "If both people eat them, there'll be no problem." ***It’s the perfect gift for people afraid of Count Chocula.



Big city dog owners are excited about a new product that allows dogs to do their business without having to go outside. Basically, it's a giant litter box called “The Pet Loo.” ***It also comes in handy for young adults having “Lord of the Rings” trilogy parties.



It's official; there is now a new world record for longest ear hair. (I'll pause for a moment as you try to contain that gagging reflex.) B.D. Tyagi of India has been confirmed by the Guinness Book of World Records to have the longest ear hair in the world. The hair coming from the center of his outer ears measures 10.2 centimeters. ***He expects to be able to comb over his bald spot by March.

FAVORITE TOY REVEALS THE REAL YOU

When you were playing games as a child, it probably never crossed your mind that your carefree pursuits were molding your personality. "Studies show that the toys that intrigued us as children are a barometer for the adults we become, says Chicago psychologist Andrew Scuggins. "Survey participants who listed the same toy as their favorite also shared similar personality characteristics. Think back to your happy childhood days, and then choose one of the examples listed below. Chances are the description beside the toy you loved the best will fit you to a T.

Frisbee -- You're a natural-born athlete who thrives on outdoor pursuits. There's nothing you like better than organizing a hiking party, canoe trip or backyard volleyball game. Just as long as you're involved in a physical activity, you are a happy camper. The boundless enthusiasm spills over to your kids, and the bonds you form while you spend time in uninhibited play with them will remain forever.

Play-Doh -- You possess a creative bent that makes you a champ at everything from decorating your home to organizing the perfect party. People are charmed at your amazing efforts -- you can take the most inexpensive items and turn them into "Martha Stewart" productions. And the get-togethers at your house are famous for their originality and outrageous themes. Fun-loving and high-spirited, you're a ball of fire who lights up any gathering.

Yo-Yo -- You're a meticulous problem-solver who enjoys pitting your skills against seemingly formidable odds. Self-confident but never self-centered, you're always there to help loved ones or pals when they need a hand. Your quiet calm and uncanny ability to see all the sides of a situation make you an asset at your workplace. Both your co-workers and your boss are inspired by your creative solutions.

Etch-A-Sketch -- You are a deep thinker who enjoys spending time on your own. You're also very organized, allotting each hour of the day to specific tasks. But although you're quite content with your solitude, you are warm and generous with your small circle of pals. You also have a keen interest in community projects, and you believe that one of the joys of being human is contributing to the welfare of others.

Hula Hoop -- You're sexy and sassy, and when you enter a room, it's for sure all eyes will be on you. You're the girl who's always in the know, whether it's the latest trend in clothes or a juicy piece of Hollywood gossip. You're also a lively storyteller, regaling your family and friends with the details of your latest adventures. But while you're the life of the party, you also have a compassionate side that makes you a trusted and loyal friend.

(I was a mostly-hula-hoop-and-pogo-stick-girl, but my very favorite things to play with were always the wild animals (snakes, raccoons, occasional skunks) that wandered onto the farm. I'm not sure what that means.)

How You Live...

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Monk & Neagle, The Twenty-First Time



Ready For The Storm

"John Griffiths, right, one of the handlers of weather predicting groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, holds Phil as his other handler, Ben Hughes, pets him on the head Ground Hog's Day in Punxsutawney, Pa. on Saturday, Feb. 2, 2008. The Groundhog Club said Phil saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter."
(AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

In response, I would like to share a recipe with you...

Stewed Groundhog
• 1 groundhog, cleaned, skinned, head removed
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 1 large onion, peeled and coarsely chopped
• 5 large carrots, peeled and cut in slices
• 3 potatoes, peeled and cut up as desired
• Salt and freshly milled pepper to taste

Cut groundhog into pieces. Place in a large pot. Cover with water, add 1 tablespoon salt and bring to a boil. Reduce to hard simmer and simmer for 1 hour.

Remove meat from water. Place pieces in a large roasting pan (or tear the meat from the bones and cook just the meat) along with 2 cups of the water in which the beast was cooked. Cook for 40 minutes.

Add onion, carrot and potatoes. Season with salt and pepper to taste, cover and bake another 20 minutes or until vegetables are done.

Remove vegetables to a platter, and leave meat in the pan. There should be some liquid in pan with meat. If not, add some of the original cooking water to make about 3/4 cup. Bring quickly to a boil on top of the stove, adjust seasonings and thicken with a little flour dissolved in water. Remove to platter with vegetables and serve hot.

Serves 4 - 6 people.



Happy Groundhog Day!