Some of my favorite quotes:

Douglas Adams:
"All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss."

"Men were real men, women were real women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave; men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged."

"This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy."

"The ships hung in the sky in much the way that bricks don't."

"Life is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, has a few pits, and some people have half of one for breakfast."

Homer Simpson:
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Now I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!"

"In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

Lewis Carroll:
"One can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay, you haven't had much practice", said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

A priest, a nun, two Portuguese sailors, a monkey selling Avon, a midget, a man with a cucumber strapped to his chin, three hookers, a senator, five trapeze artists, a singing telegram delivery boy, a dog trainer, two Iranian ambassadors, four hair stylists, and three men all named Frank walk into a bar....

No, wait. That never happened. Sure would be funny if it did, though.

"It's hard to concentrate on your work when you're thinking about tearing your skin off."

"I hope you die in my house, damnit, 'cause I'm gonna put a Speedo on you!"

"Just because you're stupid doesn't make it an alien spacecraft."

"It's bad news when your guiding light turns out to be a disco ball."

"God does not need Amway."

"I had two of them until the garbage man pilfered my goods."

"Sticks and bones can break my brains, but you can't hurt me if you can't catch me." (she's 4 years old)

"They don't pay me enough to rate flatulence on a graduated scale." (she's 42 years old)

"You grab her feet, I'll grab her head, and we'll stuff her into the filing cabinet until she's better."

"People who have no lives plan things right in the middle of other people's days."

"I don't think I could put my fist through a three foot grasshopper."

This is so sad. I realized today that there is an entire generation of people who cannot do the Time Warp, will never throw rice and toast, hurl toilet paper, snap their gloves or yell "Damnit, Janet, I love you!".

I put on my fishnet body stocking and set out on an educational mission to train and enlighten the local youth. All in all, I think that it went pretty well... until a small group of fundies confiscated my "He's the Hero" poster (on heavy paper!) and compromised it's rigidity by folding it into an offering box. Now, when you drop quarters into it, you can hear Val Kilmer's voice say, "Thank you for tithing."